I walked into the doctor in brougham place and next thing I was off on a year long Camino.
About late June last year I came out of the meeting with the consultant having been advised that next up is tonsils and teeth out at Livingston.
I stopped here on the bench and took in the views. Lovely it was, just like today.
I sat for 10 minutes to let it all sink in. I think my brain works better when I let it digest most kinds of information.
I sat here and thought of nothing. I just felt the warmth of the air, listening to the breeze, the birds, an incessant owl who finally stopped. I knew my brain, it didn't need assistance except for me to be calm, background processing and all that.
I remembered the parting words of the consultant about it being a gruelling journey but we have a lot of success with this type of cancer.
Today he put a camera down my nostril and had a look at my throat. Declared himself happy and I was too.
It's funny how the little confirmations that come post treatment provide reliable reinforcement to a general feeling of well being, albeit now distinctly different from before.
In the back of my mind I heard the party starting. I only had two blood uncles, both died before 60. Not sure if both were throat cancers, one was. Luck is everything but like me they were both alcoholics and who knows what the granddads died of 20 years before I was born. The both died in the 1940's.
The consultant kept chatting.
No saliva, just get used to it. You notice it less and as a diet aid it's undoubtedly useful. You were quite heavy when you arrived so for your knees in layer life best you keep it off as I see you're already 2kgs heavier. I laughed as soon as I can stop force feeding myself I'll be delighted. He said yes, stop, you couldve stopped in February. I really wanted to kiss him. This was the best news yet. I just need to have enough to tick the fuel box. Trust me, I'm delighted I said. I'm off to Spain and I'll be 3kgs lighter when I get back. I'll eat tapas and largely avoid the 3 course meals. I never did snack, I just ate constantly. Nowadays I just don't want to eat.
I explained how red wine goes down. I'll persevere, but the truth is, my lack of saliva makes a drunk's drouth at daybreak splash like Niagara falls in comparison. A wee tippy Tapa will be chewed for 20 minutes and that is more than enough for me.
When I'd first been advised I let them know about my alcohol intake. On most scales I'd qualify for alcoholic status. I'm a daily habitual drinker. The only aspect of my alcoholism that separates me since 1986 seems to be how open I am about it. However, I honestly rank it, in my head, behind giving the NHS a decent patient to deal with, sadly behind preventative diseases like cirrhosis of the liver. A warped but conventional common issue. I do enjoy going out for a few, it's great craic, I just need to do it less than I do. In Spain you can be really happy drinking coffee.
I had a genuine reason to curtail my drinking, so guess what, I did. I joked about finishing my wine cellar before treatment but the truth is, my cellar never really got full. The closest I ever got to a full cellar was when I got a delivery from Spain of 12 unique and magnificent Mencia from the Bierzo.
Like having 12, hidden in a drawer, 50g pouches of tobacco, it proved false economy. Like the wine, I think the tobacco lasted 10 days.
So, last year, when I went to drain the swamp, that was my cellar, there were only two bottles. I made them last two weeks but that was that. Well, until the albergue in Los Arcos this week.
I know my drinking is now different, like everything else. I'm embarking, like many before me, as I did without my 50g pouches of Drum tobacco, on another Camino, another new journey.
I've had to kiss another moustache'eod auntie. For family members, yes it's Noreen. She's an inspiration for withdrawing from anything you enjoy doing.
It's an adventure and St Jacques will provide. Jackie always does.
Government is trying to get busy on another subject that involves a lot less people than regarding poverty, looking after workers in health and education, never mind reforming the local electricity pricing, upping the tax threshold, to name a few. Like the transgender issue, it's very important, it's a very detailed and difficult devate. I do think governments are elected to create mechanisms to resolve issues, not to park the bus and talk about one thing.
Politicians on the other hand see a job to get the country talking about stuff they never realised they had a strong opinion on.
The assisted dying debate will rage and another test for the fine work of Dr Kaitlyn Regehr's theories regarding polarisation. Personally I think her theory will be proved right again. I think this debate is currently calm. I think it will slowly become toxic. If it does, it proves that along with the DK theory I'm always mentioning, we don't have enough to stem the tide. Happily the planet will look after itself while we the species do migrate, possibly even vibrate to the loudest noises, the strongest hands while morphing beautifully into that ugly likeness, cue fat Al on his NotSo FatSo Camino look, begging for your cash.
I was singing away on the Camino today, London Calling, it was. I thought how brilliant the marketing of the cold war fear, that artist started to rebel and sing songs. I wrote the "penny drops as the mushroom rises" as a metaphor "for my failure to recognise my behaviour" until it was too late. To use the metaphor of a nuclear bomb was fairly standard in 1982. We all believed it to be a real threat. We were preoccupied with it and many movements from CND, greenham common etc allowed people to find their voice. Disappearing down rabbit holes isn't new for humanity. From religious wars to the bigotry of an old firm derby, we find it easy to join a party. Nowadays you could argue stop oil are fighting for the planet but the truth is, we know the planet is fine. It will evolve and humans won't. We'll be the catalyst to destroy so much of the living globe, as we see it, from mountain top to sea bed. From sea bed to mountain top is what I did the other day, that was really too tough to mention again, but I have.
So today I am out again on the Camino. I have to rediscover my fitness. To put it more accurately, I have to start at the beginning again. My paternal role model is now 92 and closing in on 93. He's clearly evidence of a genetic disorder, in Spain it's called manana.
I know I can't be bothered doing anything to build my fitness up again. My Dad could've done two rounds of golf at 80, by 85 he was struggling to climb stairs and by 90 found it best not to. It's an inspiring role model as we all know its just around the corner.
We build fitness over a long period and can lose it in 6 short weeks. Physios know this but we don't ever acknowledge how quickly it really is to ourselves.
My Dad got a new hip in 2018/19. It was the financial year when many hips were replaced in Edinburgh and preceded the one when a lot less were done. Hindsight let's you see how things pan out and I know I lost my fitness really quick during treatment. I'd imagine if I'd been 85 not 61 it would have been terminal. Many cancer patients find it difficult to find it inside themselves to go through the rehab. I'm just another lazy guy thinking he's had a tough year.
Luckily I have my Dad as an inspiration. I know if I don't get out I'll stop.
Luckily Stuart has inspired me to do it. Considering how much he and Ian shared a love of lying in the sun, he doesn't always lie down. Stu displays a powerful truculence that I admire. It's not just difficult, it's seemingly impossibly hard. You have to summon up courage from the deepest depths. It's not easy, it is inspirational.
Luckily I've been instructed by people to say, "aye, you lie in your bed if you want to....."
When I was in Assynt with Rich and Fran, I found nothing in my legs. I had to stop regularly. It was enough to make me want to take up drinking full time again and start the cheerio messages.
I can't thank them enough for being so brilliant in putting up with me.
On the way up to see them, on my free bus pass, I'd stopped at pitlochry to see Tom and Sandra. Likewise they put up with me. I got to record my Cancer song, I'm not standing still. Truth is, I really wanted to stand still. I just knew I was a dead man walking. People suspected the worst when I was neither walking nor talking. Couldn't really be bothered with either to be fair. You stop looking for inspiration and roll effortlessly into self pity. You hear yourself shouting give yourself a shake, but it's not happening.
You can hear the clock ticking and see the lights on the runway. You're ready for take off, no doubt about it, until you realise where you're going.
I've a album of songs I call the rabbit hole experiment. Caitlin inspired it with one of her plays and it leans right into Dr Kaitlyn Regehr's work which I caught 15 minutes of.
It's got a song I do twice, like Caroline says on Berlin. I love it. Relax, it will never be heard or forced on anyone.
It's from the dawn of time about how we are all thrown down the rabbit hole. From the Nature v Nurture debate, spoiler alert nature wins on side one but nurture triumphs on side two.
Evolution tracks the old media of the stage, through the films of the 20's-40's and sets the scene for side two.
It was Politic, tells the gentle story of control using the "voice of choice"
Fuel is full of fun and the wonderful way "we welcome to the feast, our..... new year beast"
Let's face it, everyone needs a new entity to hate, well at least that's what you think it is.
"Healthy body, corrupted mind" is an old style discussion on atrophy in the brain. Spoiler alert again, it's not genetic.
"The mushroom treatment" closes the album. We all now wish we were mushrooms is the sentiment.
I'm sure it's all old hat but it keeps me walking and talking.
Last night in the albergue in Los Arcos was fantastic.
One of the things the Cancer has given me is perspective. I've always looked at things from funny angles.
In fact some of my pictures are extremely strange.
Today's lightbulb moment was history.
Why do we get nothing but this king did this and that.
We have had a go at telling the soldier's tale and we occasionally get a workers movement but very little history related to the vast majority of us. It pertains to hand picked celebrities from the past.
I'm not sure what my point is but it's about marketing really. We only know what we are taught. If we are taught about good kings or bad ones we are not taught about our role in it. Revolution is largely ignored as you don't want that on the curriculum of your serfs. It's bad enough they even go to school.once there it's important we control what they learn.
Jimmy and I have had long discussions on his schooling during the 60's as people were bred for the factory gate.
The curriculum really reflected the skills shortages.
I suppose if I read books I would've discovered it before. I do wonder how much those who commission work for TV, films and the stage just play to this narrative.
Maybe in amongst Shakespeare's works there's more about the ordinary lives than I knew but I can't help thinking his plays were written for an audience.
During the 80's we had so many auf weidersein pets but maybe there is a lot more and I'm just blind. I like a detective story but we now have about 100 celebrity series where the star status is duly awarded. I just know what I like and sometimes find myself explaining why I like the Camino. It really is an every person story.
I say this largely when I know what I like happens. I know with Caitlin's play about the victims of Bible John, the voice of "I just love the dancing" resonated for me. Know what ah mean.
I like Vera, sandy dramas, Shetland etc but really, can we not do something creative with real people. Does it take the post office scandal to produce an every person tale.
Alphonse X put that beautiful cathedral up😂.
